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A Pass to a great marriage
I didn’t learn this early enough. Oh, I heard it said in premarital counseling, but it took me years to learn. Christian women don’t get a pass to great marriages just because they’re a God-fearing woman. Yet, there is the One thing that has saved my christian marriage (over and over).
Helping frustrated wives have better marriages
It’s time to knock the doors down on helping frustrated Christian wives make a move to better marriages. Today I am sharing the one thing that has probably challenged me as a wife more times than any other over these past thirty plus years, and the one thing that has saved my marriage time and time again. Want to hear what it is?
The One Thing that has challenged me and saved my marriage
18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Colossians 3:18-19
It’s NOT that!
Nope, don’t quit listening or reading here. I’m KIDDING, it’s not that! But you know we wives hear especially verse 18, and the same out of Ephesians, nearly every time a pastor is speaking about marriage. ‘Tis true.
Not that it’s a bad thing, because it is scripture so it is good. It’s just not what I am talking bout today.
The Merry-go-round of Frustration
How long have you been married? If you’ve been MRS. for any length of time, you just may have found yourself going in circles on the merry-go-round of frustration. So, tell me, what are the things frustrate you on repeat?
I’m not talking about the big marriage deal breakers of abuse, adultery or abandonment. Those are a different topic altogether (mostly), and if you’re in any kind of danger, please seek godly wisdom and make a plan for your own safety right away.
Humor is necessary
My husband is a funny man, but the humorous side of him sometimes makes me want to pull my hair out, especially when he interjects it where a reasonable, attentive response is required. Humor is necessary, but it must be rightfully employed, please and thank you.
Patience is a virtue
It could go without saying, patience is a virtue. Furthermore, lack of patience is a detriment. Alas, you may have heard me talk about this before, but if I had a penny for every time I waited to “leave” for any thing at all, I’d be a millionaire…I think, how many pennies is that? One hundred million, right! So, yes, quite possibly I’ve waited that many times, if I exaggerate a bit. Sigh.
To beat or not to beat (around the bush)
I’m a straight shooter. Maybe you are too, or maybe you married one. If you ask me a question, or if I have something to share/say to you, it’s not coming camouflaged; there will be no bush to beat around.
You can imagine my frustration, then, when every single time, save one or two, I ask my husband a question, any question, his reply is–wait for it-another question! And not a clarifying one either; it’s just another question.
Me: Are you hungry?
Him: Are you making dinner?
Me: …
Like every day, this scenario played out again this morning, this time in our kitchen regarding a choice of two backsplash possibities. As he answered my question with his own, I said, “I just wrote about you answering questions with questions.”
He then gave me an answer to which I countered in jest, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
In our laughter he slid in, “Make sure you write that, too.”
And so I did.
The one thing that saved my marriage
1Therefore, since you have been raised with Christ, strive for the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
7When you lived among them, you also used to walk in these ways. 8But now you must put aside all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to one another, since you have taken off the old self with its practices, 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
(Are you with me?Here it comes! The one thing that has challenged me as a woman of God and saved my marriage through more than 30 some years.)
12Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with hearts of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which is the bond of perfect unity. 15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, for to this you were called as members of one body. And be thankful.
17And whatever you do, in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
Colossians 3
Take your eyes off of your husband
How could this advice save your marriage? How could your marriage be better, how could you grow closer to God if you take your eyes off of your husband?
Sounds counter-productive, doesn’t it? It’s not. Friends, when you keep your eyes on your husband your focus is wrong. You will be frustrated on repeat because you’re looking at the wrong person.
Your husband isn’t perfect. Like you, he has certain areas the Lord needs to prune, hone in on and change through the Holy Spirit. (Spoiler: YOU are not your husband’s Holy Spirit; God doesn’t need your help in that way.)
Leave your husband’s imperfections to the only one who can change him. Pray for him. Write down the things you see that need to be more like Christ and ask the Lord to love him to it. Remember that virtue we just talked about? Be patient.
Adjust your focus
Here in Colossians, right from the start in verse two God tells you to set your mind not on the world but to adjust your focus to the things of heaven.
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Colossians 3:2
If you’re looking at your husband’s shortcomings, instead of God’s fulness in things above, you will never have the marriage the Lord desires simply because you don’t have the mindset He tells Believers to captivate.
12Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with hearts of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which is the bond of perfect unity. 15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, for to this you were called as members of one body. And be thankful.
Is divorce in your future?
Once known as the “me generation,” baby boomers were born between 1946 and 1964. And it’s among this group—now ages 53 to 71—that the divorce rate is highest. While the rest of the nation has seen a decline in the divorce rate over that last two decades, the divorce rate has doubled for 55- to 64-year olds and tripled for the over-65 group.
Source
You may not be a baby boomer, but the data is clearly not changing for the generations following. If the divorce rate for the future of most (as we age) is tripling, divorce could be in your future, too, unless you change something now.
Now is when you need to refocus, look to heavenly and eternal things and live out these verses here in Colossians.
Quick Checklist of your heart
Take a look inside your marriage from a different perspective, and consider what your words, actions and attitude reveal about your heart.
Now when it comes to just you and your husband, think about the words you say or the way you say them, the things you do- or don’t do and what God’s Word implores us to in this passage.
What evidence does your heart reveal?
Have you put on, do you live out in word and action, a heart of :
- compassion
- kindess
- humility
- gentleness
- patience
Are you patient?
Do you bear ( endure, have patience with, suffer, persist) WITH him? Or, have you given up on WITH him?
What have you done with your Complaints?
Have you forgiven ANY complaint you have against your husband? There are no stipulations for HIS motives or initiate toward you before you are told to forgive him. Can you imagine if God left gaps in the things we ask forgiveness for?
7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
I John 1:7
God doesn’t leave gaps in what He chooses to forgive of our sin. Have you forgiven your husband as the Lord has forgiven you?
Have you forgiven…as Christ forgave you?
Have you forgiven your husband as the Lord has forgiven you?
Love, Peace, Gratitude
More than all the rest, do you embody love. Have you chosen love? When God says to put on something, we usually have to take off something else. Put the self-sighted ugliness away, and put on love.
Why is this, putting on love, so important to God? Choosing to walk covered in love is the place where you will find the bond of perfect unity. If your struggling in any way in your marriage, I suppose, then, you are missing that perfect bond of unity. God tells you how to have it. Love.
You have a calling as a woman of God. Some women lament over what God’s calling is for their lives; no need here. God’s Word is crystal clear. You were called to let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.
The anger, frustration, pettiness, impatience, intolerance, unforgiveness, pride, bullish responses or ultimatum, animosity, cool or forbidding expression of character you’re living out isn’t helping your marriage. It isn’t making you a stronger woman. And it isn’t answering the call the Lord has given you as HIS daughter. His beautiful daughter!
Plain and simple, those attributes are sinful and not of the Lord.
12Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with hearts of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which is the bond of perfect unity. 15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, for to this you were called as members of one body. And be thankful.
Colossians 3:12-15
How are you praying?
I can hear you.
“You don’t know what my husband…” finish the thought.
You’re right, I don’t know your story. But I’ve heard so many from women like you and me through the years-you’re not alone. I elaborate a bit more on this post: How to know God’s will when Marriage is Hard,
(And clearly I’ve said and will say again, if you’re in danger, find help. I’ll never speak otherwise.)
God’s Word steps on our toes. His ways are not like ours. His thoughts are much different than what we think. And He is always good.
Therefore, when God gives us instruction and admonition in His Word, we can trust Him.
Submit to God
The verse I teased with at the beginning of this post/podcast, comes soon after the ones we’ve looked at today. Submission is a large topic and one we won’t get deep into right now, but I will share something pertaining this conversation.
It isn’t until after we read about living life as a Christian and putting on the new person we are made IN Christ that we are instructed to submit to one another. First we submit to the Lord, and then we live life honoring Him in ever other relationship.
Submit out of love
My firstborn got married just a few months ago. That boy has my heart. I poured out my heartfelt petition to his bride in an emotional post: A Letter to my Daughter in Love.
The bottom line? My supplication to my sweet daughter in law is to love my son, to do what God desires of her, because I love him so much.
That’s why the Lord wants us to submit to His Son, too. He loves Him so much, and He loves YOU so much. We submit because we love.
Do it
What is it He is asking from you today?
Friends, do it-obey His Spirit and trust Him.
