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We live what we learn
Control, physical abuse, manipulation, yelling, belittling, abandonment, isolating, emotional detachment and neglect, demanding…these are the abusive characteristics that too many children live with to some degree. I could also say here that most of us, as adults, have treaded thin ice on an account or two of much the same. That doesn’t automatically equal abusive parenting; we all struggle and fall short in some ways every now and again. When lived with great regularity and no change or seeking for change/being safe in the search, these characteristics do point to abuse and the need for intervention.
There’s often times a hurting child inside of an angry adult.
That said, look at that list again and you will see these are also the circumstances we experience as children and the ones which leave adults bound inside of themselves, even if the experiences were short and remedied for the better. There’s often times a hurting child inside of an angry adult. That gnawing pain of our perception of pain, hurt and turmoil as a child is deep reaching and hard to break away from.
Baggage.
Every married couple brings baggage into their new relationship. The two become one but neither one is quite sure what is hiding inside those suitcases. As time goes on, the contents are unpacked. One by one we have opportunity to see, face, and help our spouse through the not so wonderful pieces inside their bags-some of which they didn’t even know were packed away.
Criticism is a silent killer
Your husband is critical? Guess where he probably learned it from? It’s not always the case, but it very often is, that our weaknesses in relationship skills come from the very family in which we grew up. I’m not putting the blame on mothers and fathers who did their best, or who made mistakes along the way, as most of us do to some extent, but rather I’m saying that we do learn what we live, and we live that out in our own marriages. If critical words were the norm in your home, we’re likely going to become that same voice when we get married ourself. Criticism is a strange bird. We can live surrounded by it, deflect it in an effort to shield ourselves and at the same time, in doing so, not recognize we have become a walking, critical machine ourselves. It’s almost like criticism is a silent killer for both the giver and receiver.
Do our parents change when we are adults?
The mom your husband adores has never been viewed as anything ugly or negative by her son. There’s a lot of blessing in that perspective. Yet, we know no matter how much we love someone, constant drilling of any negative concept seeps in, unaware as it may be.
Guess what is just as hard as living with a critical spouse? Maybe harder. It’s an adult child, son or daughter, reevaluating and even undoing his childhood view of a parent he/she has adored. Life evolves and we become what we have lived in our growing years. It’s never more visible than in our own marriage and it’s our spouse who gets first row seat to its valor . To realize a beloved parent’s faults when we need to see it for what it is to save our own relationship, sometimes the whole persona of who we thought our parent was comes to light and we feel duped. What we thought was normal turns out to be harmful, really, and there we are alone with a new realization we never wanted to see. Broken pieces of all we that we knew begin to fall, and relationships around us crumble. Now we begin to see, we continue to live the same negative, critical spirit (or any other damaging way of living) we learned and maybe never realized. What we do next, and what our spouse does next is key.
I know your mind is busy and has probably taken a fork in the road: one goes to your husband’s family and the other to your own.
Why your husband might be like he is.
Have you ever before stopped long enough to look into the why of your husbands behavior ? The real reason (and I realize there can be and are other reasons besides upbringing as adults make their way in life and with bad decisions) that cause so much angst in your marriage? Could it be your husband is living out his upbringing in these sinful ways because he hasn’t seen, or refuses to see, the hurt it causes? Let’s face facts, if a grown-up continues the destructive relationship patterns that came from his/her own parents, it’s a painful mirror to look into. It uncovers much more than most people want to see and it’s a very difficult thing to do, because it can’t be left there once it’s unmasked. (And let’s not count ourselves out of this factor, either!)
Be the change!
Early in my college years, and I don’t know what circumstance the Lord used in my life, but until it happened, “I love you” and hugs were not part of my family. I decided to tell my parents that I loved them and give them a hug daily, at comings and goings. It was quickly reciprocated and has been for almost 5 decades now. Did both of my parents grow up without verbal affection? I don’t know for sure, except that my dad was never told he was loved by the ones who raised him. Maybe it became a way of life and nothing different was ever known, until it was.
Sometimes we do in fact realize something we hate about our upbringing, and we decide that it won’t be like that in our own family. That can be a breath of fresh air or another avenue of detours and dangers. We have to confront problems with wisdom and knowledge from God, or we’re apt to turn from bad to worse.
Replace what is detrimental with what is good
Not wanting to rehash a constant critic is good when we learn to instead be grateful and allow the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts and overflow from our lives, but it will wreak havoc to silence our lips but fill our hearts with the same critical messages we refrain from voicing. Both are destructive.
As we look into our past, and we realize maybe our husband is simply repeating the bad habits he learned from the parents he loves, what next?
Well, we say things like, “Your just like your mother, father, my mother, father etc.” That won’t go well. *Can we add in my running disclaimer: I’m taking to women who are not in harms way of an abusive marriage, but those who are walking with the Lord through hard times in their marriage.* So, yeah, that’s not going to help, pointing fingers to the evil we see in our spouses parents or even our own.
Should we just ignore it as not to stir the pot? Nope. That’s a bad idea. BUT, approaching these things with a prayerful, humble heart is a good thing. No matter who we are, when confronted even lovingly about our sin, we’re not typically overjoyed. Defensive and dismissive is more the norm, wouldn’t you say?
The mother in law’s visit
Let’s set up a scenario many of us can relate to in some way.
Our mother or mother in law visits. Our children are young and we’re doing our best to train them up in the Lord. Our home isn’t spotless, but we pick up instead of shower most days. Enter Ma.
“Oh, Sweetie, don’t go barefoot on that floor.”
“Grammy is going to read you this book. Do you ever get to read this book when I’m not here?”
“I don’t make my meatloaf like that.”
“Of course I love your wife. It’s just I don’t think she’s raising the kids right.”
“Next time you want to come visit, let me know and I’ll fly you and the kids over.”
Get the gist? Always slight-handed remarks. BUT, otherwise she’s a loving woman, right? Those same comments sound familiar from your husband’s mouth: House isn’t clean, not doing enough with the kids, dinner isn’t great…
Constant critique is like water torture
Like Water-torture is the constant drip of critique. And you’re going to be the bad guy dare you bring it up. Why? Because we learn what we live. As a back-fire, isn’t it quite difficult to complain to someone about their complaining? Yikes, what to do?
Pray. More.
Pray. Talk when it’s wise to do so. We should be able to tell our husband there’s something we need to talk about. Not only being prayer filled, but good timing is essential. Make sure physical needs have been met (hangry isn’t conducive to good communication) and there’s a window of quiet. Maybe a drive just the two of you. Wherever, let the Lord lead.
Perspective check
Perspective. Instead of, “I’m sick and tired of hearing you complain about the house and the children every single day. If you can do better, than it’s all yours!”
It’s probably going to be better directed to say, “I feel overwhelmed after a long day with the kids, trying to take a step forward between two or three others backward, only to hear your sore opinion of the state of the house or a bad dinner review. I’d like it if you’d offer to give me a hand picking up when you see something that needs attention or maybe offering to grab take-out once in a while to give me a much needed break. Sometimes, just like you, my days can be long and extra difficult and I feel alone instead of supported when you make comments I hear as an insult to my efforts.”
Now, expect that your husband will suddenly change.
Not really, but YOU are being loving in the pursuit of addressing a hard thing. Chances are, this is going to be more of a battle than a one time conversation. In fact, it may be something that boils over, and over, and over. That’s probably part of why you’re here listening to Marriage Moment, help for the Christian woman who loves the Lord but is in a hard season of marriage. Seasons can seem to be endless sometimes, can’t they?
Knowing we’re trying, and our husband’s aren’t receptive to even a quiet, spirit filled conversation or request, realizing this hard thing isn’t changing from all we can see right now, then what can we, what should we do?
Marriage reality & your personal relationship with the Lord
We can BOTH realize what life is like, how hard things are, how difficult our husband’s sin is in the way it’s affecting us AND lean into the Lord, be joyful in all we’re afforded as a child of God (so, so much there, Friends) AND still be kind to the one who is causing us to struggle so much. That’s no easy feat.
Don’t do this
Let’s start with what not to do. Don’t build an army against your husband. Always be praying, I can’t express that enough (and, by the way, I don’t do it enough in my own marriage). We need to pray, pray for our husband and pray for ourselves. The most simplistic prayer when genuine and sincere is, “Lord, make me the wife/woman who pleases you through my life in all things.” The army we’re too often to run around recruiting for is the same one that will be pointing arrows at us as the Lord answers our prayer-because He will do that- because they haven’t been attending the restoration, healing process the Lord has intended for only our husbands and ourselves. I know it feels good to imagine support from others, but this never works out. Don’t do it. Ask for prayer, don’t involve details to the masses. Ok? (Again, I am not addressing women who are being abused. This is NOT advice to stay with an abusive husband.)
Do this instead
We need to separate our thoughts from what we so easily learn from the world and sink deeply into God’s Word. You’re not alone in these circumstances as a Believer. We can tell ourselves that all day long: God is with me, I am not alone. I bet you’ve heard this verse before:
Your life should be free from the love of money. Be satisfied with what you have, for He Himself has said, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”
Is it a new verse to you? No? Do you realize where it’s sandwiched in scripture? Marriage? Yep! AND another commonly quoted verse follows. Look at the passage here in Hebrews 13:4-6
Marriage must be respected by all, and the marriage bed kept undefiled, because God will judge immoral people and adulterers. Your life should be free from the love of money. Be satisfied with what you have, for He Himself has said, “I will never leave you or forsake you. Therefore, we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, What can man do to me?
I think I’ll leave God’s Word there to stand alone. Go back and read it again if you’d like, Hebrews 13:4-6. You are not alone.
Never alone
We pray, we tell ourselves the truth-we’re not alone through these trials and no man is going to be able to take from us what the Lord gives to us. We don’t build an army and we don’t think like the world has taught us to.
Romans 12 has a lot of gems worthy of heeding on this path in our marriages.
Romans 12: 2And be not conformed to this world: but be you transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Think Like Christ
Always the put off put on principle God is faithful with in His Word, not leavening us hopeless. Here, do not think like and do not conform to the world’s standards of life. (Do we need to talk about this? ). Unbiblical dives is an enemy against God’s Word, and biblical advise is supported with God’s word. Abuse is wrong. Living with selfish husbands is very hard. But it’s not worthy of throwing off our wedding band. Life gets hard sometimes, trials are to be expected and God changes us in them-makes us more like Jesus as we yield to Him and problems in marriage are not excluded. We need to be very careful, and seek out godly, wise, loving, praying, biblical advice when we’re in places where we feel hopeless. Emotions lie. It’s really hard to be in the crux of things emotionally and make wise choices. Grab a friend’s hand and seek out the Lord. I don’t want anyone to think they need to stay put in their specific hardship, of which I’m not privy to, when it’s something that needs hands on help, nor do I want anyone listening to the world and packing her husband’s life out on the driveway because she’s tired of him coming home after work and putting his feet up instead of giving her a break. I hope you can understand what I’m trying to convey here. Don’t think like the world. Think like Christ.
Romans 12:9 Love must be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good.
Love without hypocrisy
Two parts to take note of: 1. Love without hypocrisy. The many times I’ve prayed and told the Lord how upset I was at my husband for something only to be convicted of my own shortcomings, my own sin, in much the same way. He’s not doing what he said he’d do, or he’s doing what he said he wouldn’t do…Paul himself, chief of sinners, gave us the clue-in about this struggle, didn’t he.
Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
We all struggle with sin!
Hate evil AND Cleave to what is Good
And part 2: Not only hate evil (Isn’t that refreshing? We can and should hate sin, no matter who the sinner is! It is not biblical to submit to our husbands in his sin, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.). But also we are to cleave to what is good. DON’T overlook this HUGE HOPE. Hate sin and CLEAVE TO WHAT IS GOOD! There’s how we get through the hard times in our marriages, friends. Hate what is happening in the evil of sin (complaining, constant criticism, anger outbursts, sinful ambitions….all sin) AND run to, hold onto, become inseparable from all that is good.
What is good? Love is good. Kindness is good. Forgiveness is good. Leaning into God is good. Joy is good. Patience is good. Peace is good….GOD IS GOOD. Cleave to God!
It’s not always easy to be kind, but you can do it!
Same chapter, familiar concepts that we know but are worth repeating: bless those who persecute us and don’t repay evil for evil. The last thing we want to do when we’re angry with our husband’s behavior is be kind or bless him, can I get an amen? But, since we’re already making dinner, how easy is it to include his favorite? You’re not his maid, but when you throw in the laundry today it won’t be much extra effort to look around for dirties he may have left where they don’t belong. (As an aside, if he has problems throwing dirty clothes in a place that drives you nuts, an easy fix is putting a little basket/catch all there to gather them more pleasantly-this works for children’s toys/clothes/mail and other sore-spots of the same.) You get the idea, you can show kindness without sacrificing boundaries you need in place for the most important issues. These are simply general ideas, not requirements.
Let’s close out here at the end of Romans 13:14. More good stuff from the Lord and maybe a great place to really meditate as we struggle with how to live when the Lord is pruning us through trials that are so intimate.
Put on the Lord Jesus Christ
Romans 13:14 But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.
That right there, Sisters, goes against every single grain of advice the world has to offer us. Every one. When it doesn’t feel right fixing a nice meal for a mean husband (hey, I can get mean too!), it’s ok to do it anyway. Put on the Lord Jesus Christ. Yes, He had times of righteous anger, but He didn’t sin in them. That’s the struggle. Being angry without sin.
Ephesians 4:31Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Can I recap in a nutshell-probably missing some things as I do? Your husband’s sinful behavior is wrong; before you and before the Lord. You’re not responsible for his actions or reactions. Get help when you need it: godly, biblical, loving, wise help. Don’t build an army against your husband. Pray and pray more. Allow the Lord to grow you closer to Him in life’s trials, even the ones that feel so hurtful. Realize the absolute truth of never being alone and the Lord always with you. Put on the Lord; don’t forsake all the Lord is in your life because you’re on the defensive busily trying to juggle the anger, hurt and exhaustion that comes with the trials. Cover yourself in the Lord’s grace and live out life joyfully in the freedom He gives. Only there will you find a way to be kind to the one who is driving you to your knees and to the Lord.
Trust Him for His Glory in your trials
Trials aren’t fun, but there’s no better place to be than in the Lord. Draw near, friends, draw near. Trust Him. He’s not going to leave you and He is an answerer of prayers. He hears you. Be brave and let Him work in and through your life. I’m trusting Him for His glory to be revealed in my trials. Won’t you join me?
