Good-bye 50 {Her Muse}

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

So long 50

It’s been real. I won’t miss you.

2015-08-25_0001

I didn’t plan this post. The irony of so many of me ^up there,; here, I’m alone. No facebook. No audience. No group to share with. Just me and my macbook. Fifty-one years ago plus a few hours, my 24 year old mother gave birth to me. I was third in the line up of what would be six children but the first and last daughter. I have to smile to hear her say, as she often did, “She was my hardest.”

Out of necessity I’ve been cleaning off my computer all evening when I happened to see so many of my ‘selfies’ through the year. It’s been the hardest so far, and I’m not at all sad to see it go. The Bible teaches us to have the mind of Christ, to treat others as He would, to give and to love as He does.

There are far too many ‘stories’ I could share from life the last 15 months, but really they don’t matter. God continually shows Himself faithful to me. Through pain and trials, I am privileged to learn to become more like Christ; He pursues me. He teaches me to trust Him and not to try and understand “why.” Though crushing to my heart, I am thankful He loves me so much as to remove those who would want to hurt me more. His protection, unseen from behind a veil of tears, is humbling. I love to read the reproaches which fall on me were not foreign to the Lord. He was willing to do good even among the selfish, vindictive insults by others around Him. So trials come, and God is faithful. People hurt and disappoint, yet I trust the Lord’s ways are better than mine. I give because He gave all. I love, because He first loved me.

For all the good the Lord has shown me through each shattered moment these last 365 days, I thank Him.

He sustains me.

Painful Year

Job 1:21 “The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD!”

Reflection {Faithfull}

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Reflection

Very often I have some sort of flashback to my teaching days. Today I find myself recalling the different teaching positions I’ve had, the assortment of curricula over the years entrusted to me for teaching and guiding my students, and the fact that that’s exactly what I used to get the instruction for my classrooms. I was under the authority of my school, my boss, to use those lessons and to teach them to my students. And I did.

Reflection

It seemed pretty simple: cover these lessons in class and teach them to your students.

Teaching was never a difficult task for me. I loved (almost) everything about my classrooms. It’s possible I loved my job a little TOO much as my priorities were heavily slanted toward work (but that’s another story altogether). Even so, one year things took a different turn. The masses, and I do mean masses (parents and students) were not happy with the amount of nor kind of work being assigned. I learned quickly, though the principal and school board had made a plan of attack to redirect the English department, the administration’s requirements and goals for my job were not outlined in any way with my teens or their families.

Tough position.

Still, I had a job slated before me, a commitment to doing my best as I always did and a group of challengers begrudgingly seated in front of my chalkboard by the hour. It didn’t take long for the students’ murmurings to walk through my classroom door via their parents. Comments such as, “She’s not in college,” “This is too much writing,” and “Homework shouldn’t take an hour,” were echoed for miles.

Thankfully it wasn’t all of my classes, students and parents who were disgruntled, yet I’d never heard so much crying about school work. Even my lower grade classes spent the time at home without all the complaints. In fact, there was only one complaining parent in the previous 5 years of my teaching. So, this was pretty big to me. Honestly, I did understand where both the students/parents and our administration were coming from. I realized (late in the game) that this was a huge difference from what the students were learning previously in English class and that it was certainly a big jump in time and work being required on the students’ part. Then, after grading the grammar assessments as we tried to get the year started, I even better understood the urgency to what my principal was trying to accomplish in the English department. I was in the middle of an unwanted but necessary message.

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” ~Arnold Bennett

Meeting after meeting and the reality unfolded; the problem wasn’t me, it was the curriculum. I was only preparing lessons, teaching my classes and grading papers accordingly. I loved my students, but they did not love the guide (grammar, writing and vocabulary) we were using for their classes. Why would parents, especially, think I would be able to separate myself as a teacher from the curricula I’d been instructed to use? Of course I wasn’t perfect, but I was faithful in doing what was expected of me regardless of the misunderstanding or divisiveness. Uproars eventually calmed down as my wonderful high schoolers realized that I was powerless to change what was written in front of me and them, and, well, they wanted to get out of high school.

“I wasn’t perfect, but I was faithful.”

This reflection mirrors today’s society and many of the popular viewpoints I hear about faithful Christians. I’m not defending hateful people, so please don’t even go there. I’m talking about faithful Christians. People like me, who aren’t perfect but who serve the perfect God. Those whose lives are inseparable from their faith because it’s a relationship. A relationship, not a religion. Those whose faith is given through grace and spirit and truth in the Lord. I’m talking about those whose Lord is the author of our guide for life: the Bible.

Please don’t ask us to separate, to leave aside or to dismiss all that is us, for we can not.

I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mom… and no matter what, these relationships define me to a large extent. I could never be who I am by removing any one of these from my life. Aside from the fact that it’s not even possible: Not only would I not be me without each of them, I wouldn’t be the kind of mom, wife, daughter or sister I am without the Lord in my life. My thoughts, my love, my actions, my decisions in my life all result directly from my personal relationship with Jesus. And while I fail Him every day, He never fails me.

Please don’t ask me to separate, to leave aside or to dismiss all that is me, for I can not.

Joshua 24:15

And if it seem evil to you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom you will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

Hang in there {A Girl in the Middle}

Monday, April 20, 2015

Hang in there!

(google it)

Philippians 4: 6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I had just finished a photo session when I was getting back in my car and looked up. Allergies in my home foster a love/hate relationship with spring time. But spring is definitely in the air, longer days are on tap for us to enjoy more outside time and the pollen abounds as it does its job opening the budding tree leaves. It’s beautiful!

Spring tree buds

Putting my camera away I noticed something kind of out of place in my bright spring frame, so I adjusted my focus and took one more shot.

I’ve overlooked the photo a few times while in my editing program, it’s not perfect-maybe even a bit tainted, but it’s so fitting for life.

At least for me.

A lone leaf dangles lifelessly amid the blossoming buds.

I’m glad that spring brings promise of new life. I love the colors decorating the trees and skies from what an old crayon might deem, “Dead Brown.”

That does get old.

But that old, dead, brown leaf hanging in there by its last breath causes me pause.

Life leaves us hanging a lot, and if you’re like me, we goggle it.

Engine Light comes on: google it.

Fever in baby: google it.

Taxes: google it.

Cancer: google it.

Classmate dead: google it.

Amber alert: google it.

Tons of traffic on familiar route: google it.

Don’t get me wrong, google it is not a bad thing, but ‘bad’ is so easily accessible. Social media is filled with details of others’ demise that have nothing to do with our lives, and yet leave us with ill-effect. It can steal time from where time should be spent, and it all too often really does steal our joy.

Where you should be. Where you can, and need to, make a difference. Where life’s purpose is well spent. Where it matters most. Be there.

That leaf reminds me of what unnecessary, unuseful and unimportant information crowds into my heart as it ushers in fear.

And silently steals my joy and peace.

I need joy and peace in my life.

How are you feeling with the time you’re spending on social media?

How often to you expend energy to google something, something you have no power or responsibility to change?

Do you ever catch yourself saying, “This is a waste of time?”

At what cost?

Who did you ignore, what needful conversation wasn’t had, what did you not take time for in lieu of spending your energy foolishly?

What feelings and thoughts are evoked in your heart as you scroll Facebook, IG and the like?

I recall a time the Lord clearly showed me how I was being judgmental about what I was reading from some people (Fruit Loops instead of Captain Crunch-how dare she?). I jest, but barely. It wasn’t good for my heart. It wasn’t good for my relationship with anyone, let alone the one who matters most.

It wasn’t a matter of right, wrong or indifferent. It was affecting MY life in a negative way. It was not drawing me closer to the Lord, my inward or outward actions were not bringing anyone to the Lord. Simply, it was not edifying in my life.

That’s not ok!

Do I think there’s good to be had on google and on facebook, instagram etc?

YES-a resounding YES!

I love hard. I’m a loyal friend and I FEEL my friends’ hurts deeply.

I also rejoice with them greatly as they share things, often wishing I was there to jump around and hug their necks in the process.

I see photos that etch images in my mind and across my heart. I recall those faces in prayer-often.

I foster relationships with those I hold dear, and I make new friends.

If you know me, you realize I don’t treat my friendships lightly; I’m no fair-weather friend.

My facebook has been a lifeline to my heart this past year as my family has needed so many prayers.

There’s a legion of prayer warriors on my friends’ list. Oh, thank You, Lord!

Life wouldn’t be the same without them.

Truly.

So, yes, yes, yes, there is so much good to be had, and I know when there’s something the Lord wants to use for our good, there’s a battle to ruin it. Sometimes a very camouflaged battle.

That’s why I want to encourage you to check yourself.

That leaf hanging on for dear life is fragile.

Fragile.

It could be representative of someone in your life who needs prayer, who needs a miracle, who needs to see the Lord in you…

I implore you to protect your heart and prayerfully spend your limited time wisely. Be that light. Send a note. Deliver a meal. Take time for coffee.

Make that phone call. Pray-really pray.

Maybe you emphasize most with the dried up, hanging on by a stem, leaf.

It could be you; overwhelmed, over tired and over extended.

Reach out to someone personally. Real in a bit and spend alone time with the Lord.

Turn off the computer.

Rest.

That leaf in the frame of surrounding beauty could be a distraction.

Are you missing spring’s beauty all around you by getting stuck on winter’s past. On what you see drifting away but you don’t want to go?

Flashing stories scroll down your computer screen faster than pollen through the air right now, and all you see is “Dead Brown” all around you…but that’s not reality.

Reality gets clouded by what’s so easy to see when we take our focus off what’s eternally important.

We don’t take lightly the reality of broken or troubled relationships and hurt all around.

God is able, and He is faithful.

But, don’t set yourself up to ‘hang in there’ if there’s just too much heaviness on your heart; it’s ok to need and to get help.

Even so, we should watch where we fix our gaze. We are wise to be careful where we idle our mind. Don’t miss the beauty that envelopes about. There is good in the, now.

It’s a tough balance.

I want to be faithful to use the gifts the Lord has given, for His good, and I think you probably do, too.

That requires personal sacrifice and determination. It will require an alignment of responsibility, faithfulness, and priority in our dedication to love and obey the Lord.

It’s a tough commitment.

Impossible venture without the power of God in our lives, yet this- and more- is completely possible when we live in and with Him. I can, you can, do all things with Christ.

That is what I pray for myself, and that is what I pray for each of you tonight.

Faithful. Responsible. Relationships. Honoring to the Lord.

Good goal.

Dead Leaf

While Peeling Eggs

Monday, March 23, 2015

While Peeling Eggs

Nothing out of the ordinary. I was standing at my sink doing more of the mom and wife things that come and go daily. My family loves deviled eggs and egg salad, so we boiled a bunch and they were cooling. My youngest, who begged to make them “right away” because he LOVES PEELING THEM seemed to have a change of heart. When it came to start making them, he was no where to be found.

I got my paper towels and bowl out. I’ve been told it’s best to peel them as soon as possible so the shells don’t stick to the whites. Normally, I hit both ends on the counter to crack the shell, turn it on its side and roll it forward full circle w/my palm and peel. Typically, this works like a charm. Had I seen THIS video earlier than tonight, I think I could have kept his interest much easier. I’ll give it a try next time. How do you peel your eggs?

Easter Eggs

Back to the actual peeling, I pecked away (ha!) one by one; it’s a mindless task and therefore left my mind time to wander. Earlier this week we were in Target (good thing they had more organic eggs after the bagger decorated the tile floor with 2 dozen of mine) shopping. Mr. N had only a couple dollars left from his birthday money, but he had something in both hands that would each separately empty his wallet. He had a difficult time making the decision of which one to get. Now, I get it that all young boys are perplexed when having to choose one toy over another, but this kid has forever needed “two” of anything. It’s like his hands send his body into a spin of off-balance alarms if both hands don’t hold something. Never-the-less, it was time to choose. He kindly handed one of the two to the cashier, “Please put this one back, I’m not going to be buying it today.” She began a rolling conversation with him. He’s short. He’s cute. And, he’s entertaining. But he was so, so serious to answer her last question.

“So, how did you ever decide?”

I just asked the Lord what I should do, “What should I do, which one will I be happy I chose? And He told me to choose this one.”

Peeling Eggs

Now, I’m not too sure if she was minimizing his declaration when she said, “Yes, when in doubt, ask the Lord.” I mean, it was a silly two dollar toy decision. However, while peeling eggs it hit me like a ton of bricks, *I, his own mother who has taught him that the Lord IS able to help with all our quandaries-big and small-and that it is the Lord who gives us all good gifts, AND that we are to be thankful and open about all He is and all He does for us, yes ashamedly, it was me who glided right over the “The Lord” part. For whatever reason, I shunned all I knew to be right. It seems so little, but it’s not. No, it’s big. My new 11 year old was a bigger person and more proud of who Christ is in Him than I was that day.

I am thankful the Lord showed me how my heart led me astray. My son didn’t see it, God’s grace, but that woman did. I pray that He gives me another chance to be not ashamed of all He is in my life. What a horrible mistake. I’m thankful for times I take to share who the Lord is, and I’m thankful for times when I’m wrong that He offers forgiveness, mercy and grace. I’m thankful for a little boy who teaches me so much.

While peeling eggs, the Lord was able to peel back parts of my heart that I needed to see, to forgive me and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. I encourage you today to give Him some space in your mind…even if you’re just peeling some eggs.

Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any hurtful way in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way.

Snow Days & Homeschool {Midlothian VA lifestyle photography}

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Snow Days & Homeschool

So here’s the deal, when you homeschool and you live in central Virginia it’s a certain bet that school can wait when the ground is covered by snow. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does the party is on. When I was growing up we lived in more northern (and colder, and snowier) states such as New York, Iowa and Maryland. That means snow-weather attire was had by all. Here? Not so much. Boots, gloves and hats are semi-standard, but snow/ski pants are not. Those families who hit the slopes a couple hours west have them, sure. And we do too-sometimes (like when Target marks them down 75% off and happens to have the needed-for-next-year-size: not often).

Labradoodle Snowdog

Sunday afternoon, after watching the weather all week like any normal on-location photographer does, the forecast of {surprise} snow came speed-sledding in. This meant two things: 1. I had to get to the grocery store a day earlier than planned, and 2. I HAD to get there faster than the forecast got to me. For anyone who doesn’t realize what 1/2″ of snow can do to a southern town, it leaves grocery store shelves looking like the apocalypse blew through, it scatters cars (trucks and suvs alike) in ditches, trees and other cars, it locks down schools, shopping and government buildings for days. We got 7″ this time and it stuck around a little longer than normal due to the subzero temps. THAT didn’t matter. Secure the books. Skip the tests {for now} and hit the slopes, eh, yard! Sometimes sledding is as much fun in its anticipation than in reality. We used the dryer. A lot. And he did the dress, soak, dry, repeat often. It was as much fun watching him enjoy the cold days as he had in the snow, I’m pretty sure.