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A letter to my daughter in love, with all my love.

Sweetest Woman,

I’ve only known you a little while, but I’ve prayed for you your entire life. I knew you were the answer to my prayers the very day I met you. Likewise, you’re just getting to know me but you’ve learned so much in this short time. I’m an open book, and I have no pretenses in life. Maybe I should, at least at times. Knowing these things, you know how much your husband means to me. I can promise to never interfere but to always be your marriage’s biggest fan. I’ve learned a lot in the past 33 years with your father in law, but it’s been less about him and more about the Lord in my life. Oh, that you may grow to know HIM more and more through your marriage. If you’ll give me a few minutes here, can I share more of my heart with you? Besides loving the Lord most, which is my greatest prayer for you, I have no greater desire than you love my boy. I won’t always be here for him, but I pray you will. So for today and for 33 years later, I want you to know, to remember these things about my son, your husband:

He is worthy of your love.

This young man you’ve chosen for your husband has waited for you, the woman God would give him to marry, all the days of his life. Of all the women who could have drawn his attention and his affection, it is you alone. He is worth your love because he gave his love only to you.

He thinks the world of you.

From the second I knew of you, I knew it was you that would be for him. He adores you, sweet woman, with all he is. For him, you are the perfect woman. Never doubt that.

He wants better for you.

In every way, from every one, he will celebrate those who love you best, but he also will fight for better where he sees the need. Let him.

He is compassionate

His compassion is big. When you get to the nuts and bolts of any one discussion or factor in life, you’ll find compassion first. He loves hard, and he loves “his others” even harder.

He plays to win

A consummate athlete, he plays to win. Most anything. His passion can become even larger than his body, which is no small feat. When going through life, his team is the one you’ll want to be on. Always remember, you two ARE on the same team. Those little things that will grow into monsters in our minds and hearts if we’re not very, very, careful, really are, most oftentimes, just lies we convince ourselves of. When your blood starts to boil, try to caution your thoughts and first remember you’re on the same team. Even teammates see the game with a different perspective-that’s ok. Play together.

He likes to think he won

At the risk of mistaking this for the same thing I just mentioned, hear me, hear me. The right fighter in myself would have done well to listen to my own advice so many years before I did. Oh, the anguish it would have saved myself (I’d say my marriage, but only one of us really cared in the long-run!). IF you spear a certain type of fish and he thinks you catch them on a pole, you don’t lose by letting him carry on with his little fantasy. If the fishing, hunting, working tale grows larger by the word, you again don’t lose by letting him chase his own story. A tarpon will still be speared, the huge fish never really got away-or came near the lure, the short-cut is still 15 mins longer. You see, you (and I) don’t need to right-fight these points because they don’t matter for anything really, and we don’t make them wrong because we proved it. Most of the time they’ll come back around and it’s then a sweet moment to enjoy. This advice goes equally both ways, by the way, but it only takes one willing to make it work: it’s win/win, promise!

He LOVES to enjoy life with his best friends

That’s you. Enjoy being together. Don’t let a week go by that you don’t celebrate the person one another is and the fun you have together. Take care of the hard stuff with gentleness, and the fun things will be grand!

He’s forgiving and repentant

I’ve already seen in your lives together how you are both willing to quickly forgive one another. At times, the path to seeing our own wrongdoing isn’t so straight and easy (because we’re human), but when you get there, it’s a blessing to know there’s a soft, welcoming, forgiving place to land. May it always be so, because none of us are perfect, but what a sweet, sweet spirit to find one who is quickly forgiving.

He’s is a right fighter when it matters

I have always been proud of this man of yours. From a little boy in the dugout, he has always had a hard time seeing anyone live life by doing wrong; if it’s offensive to God, it’s offensive to him. Although fallible like the rest of us, if he has learned to do right through God’s Word, he’s going to give it his best efforts. It’s never wrong to do right, and where he will fall short, pray for him and that he will run to the Lord; where he champions more of God’s truth in his life, thank the Lord, be so proud of him and cheer him on!

He’s a willing learner

I’ve never seen him meet an obstacle he hasn’t figured out how to conqueror. I think you’ve seen this oftentimes involves pen, paper and a list. From the house to the car and anything in between, if there was a problem, he figured out how to fix it simply by learning how to. There will be things that need fixing in every marriage, and even yours. With the Lord, you two will be able to learn how to fix whatever isn’t working, and make it better.

He knows the Lord

A lot of people call themselves a Christian, but many don’t know the Lord; we know this is true, not only in life but also through scripture. From a child, your husband has learned about the Lord every day of his life. He was shown God’s love, forgiveness, mercy, grace and instruction. He was taught to obey the Lord because it’s right. He learned how much God loves him, and for that reason alone it was worth obeying Him. He was protected from the lies of the world, because God expects that of Believers in raising up their children to love and serve Him. He knew of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for his sins from before he could talk, and-he’ll tell you-it was his precious Grandma who had the privilege of being with him the moment he chose Jesus. He has never wavered from his decision. Praise the Lord!

He loves the Lord

This is how you know you can trust him to lead you in the right way. He not only knows the Lord, but he loves Him. He depends on Him and he wants to follow Him. Now, that path is wide enough for you to walk along side him, united in Christ, as he strives to continue his walk with Jesus. Sometimes those around us will not understand our decisions when it comes to denying the world and following the Lord, but your husband is strong enough to lead you, pray for you, and protect you as you, too, choose to follow and support him as he chooses Christ.

He’s big and strong

So much in his strength will be a blessing to you. He will be the reacher of top shelf things and carrier of heavy ones (like babies!), but be careful with this big guy, his heart is even bigger, and big hearts hurt biggest sometimes. Be careful. Protect that heart of his, sweet woman. I know he will protect yours!

He needs to know you love him, too.

He’s a man. He takes pride in treating his family right. He loves to do things because he wants to make you happy. Don’t forget to tell him you notice! The doers of the world oftentimes get lost in the long lists of ‘to be done.’ Be sure to love him most for the person he is instead of the things he does. There is a difference.

He wants to make a difference in life

Now he’s your husband. You’ll learn to love him in ways only you were created for. I love him with everything I have, but the Lord gives you a different love for him. I’m thankful he chose you, because in your eyes I can tell you truly love him with all you are, and I know even that love will grow over time. I pray you two find a way to honor the Lord who created you for one another, not only in raising the children He will bless you with in the future (your biggest priority in the Lord), but also in the circle of people He puts around you. May you together realize both the blessing of investing in the live’s of people for the sake of the Gospel as well as the importance of protecting your name-your reputation as one of God’s- by discerning when and where it is unwise to spend your time. The world pulls strongly at us, and I know this is a hard balance to determine but God is faithful to encourage and caution you as you seek to please Him.

He loves being with only you

I don’t think he’s ever known a stranger from the moment his eyes could catch a passing glance. He loves people, and people love him. But make no mistake, between the grand entertaining you’re sure share through your gift of hospitality and the many concerts and nights -out you’ll enjoy with your man, be sure to make time for just him alone. I love watching you be filled with life itself as you see your people, cook for them, laugh with them and all the rest. You’re a true extrovert (like your father in law!), but your husband finds his best fulfillment (outside of Jesus because no-one and nothing can replace Him) in solitude with his closest people. Remember it’s not odd if he finds sitting on the couch with you next to him or even just in the same house as fulfilling as you do with a house full of your besties. Treat that balance with kid gloves for both of your good. It’s another way you two are a great match!

He is counting on forever

Way before he decided to marry you, his only option in life for marriage was for a lifetime. He didn’t simply take a chance on you, he bet the whole kit and caboodle. You both know disagreements and conflict are a part of any relationship. Don’t lose sight of the promise you two made especially when hard times come. Figure it out. Pray. Get wise counsel. Be angry, resolve, forgive and make up. A lifetime is the rest of your time…get used to one another’s better and worse. Young love with all of the promises ahead is a beautiful thing. Please don’t waste your time being angry, because, as you’ll find out in the years to come, a lifetime isn’t very long after all. Spend your time together happy.

I know your wonderful parents’ hearts are full of much the same about you. We, your other mom and dad, see all those beautiful things about you, and we count our blessings of you every day; we love you. And I pray your husband never loses sight of those things about you, either. It’s not easy for me to watch your marriage begin, not because I’m not thrilled and hopeful for you two-I very much am, but because I know how hard life can get and I don’t want to see my son, or you, hurt in ways I have. This is why I’m writing this to you.

All of this concludes simply, but first I want to show you why these things matter so much.

Women who love the Lord

Titus 2 tells us about life as a woman who knows and loves the Lord.

Titus 2:3-5 In the same way, older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to much wine. They are to teach what is good so they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children, to be self-controlled, pure, homemakers, kind and submissive to their husbands, so that God’s word will not be slandered.

My whole purpose in A Girl in the Middle is to help, teach and encourage other Christian women just what we’re taught in these verses: to love our husbands, to love our children, to be KIND (this can’t be overstated-kindness to all, kindness especially to those inside your house!) and all that follows, and it’s because of the WHY the Lord offers us here. Don’t miss God’s why!

Why?

So, why is this so important? For happy homes? Maybe. For appreciative husbands? Possibly. To make a name for ourselves. Not at all. Those last 8 words are the reason we need to take so seriously this business of loving our husband, children, keeping home etc: God’s why. It’s not because our husbands deserve it. It’s not about returning a favor to the man in our home. It isn’t even the hope of winning a lost husband to the Lord, though I’m sure it’s a wonderful compliment to I Peter 3:1. We learn to and live out our love for our husband and children, to be homemakers, to show self control in our lives (in and out of our homes) because God’s Word depends on it:

Titus 2:5

3The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. (KJV)

That the word of God be not blasphemed

Look at how other translations give us this pressing warning:

That the word of God may not be slandered. (Christian Standard Bible)

Then they will not bring shame on the word of God. (New Living Translation)

So that the word of God will not be discredited. (Berean Study Bible)

So that the word of God will not be dishonored. (New American Standard Bible)

Then no one can say insulting things about God’s message. (Contemporary English Message)

So that no one will speak evil of the message that comes from God. (Good News Translation)

What we struggle with as women: where we place our priorities of time, relationship, intimacy, loyalty, finances among other things shows what is most important in our heart. We get it wrong when we think it’s about our husband, or ourselves. Clearly, it’s all about God’s Word and how the world around us sees Him in our lives. No small thing!

My prayer is that you will love him!

When I pondered my firstborn getting married, knowing my God-given responsibility in raising him up to know, love and serve the Lord was done, my heartbeat changed to a hope, a plea with all I possess, that you will love him. We know marriages consist of one sinful person marrying another, so we won’t even pretend you’ve found Mr. Perfect, as much as I love him too, he falls short sometimes, but the one who made him does not. Your husband purposes in his heart to follow the Lord. This is where we find the true gift of these characteristics, and why they’re so rich in your marriage.

It’s who God is

The only flesh and blood ever to walk the earth in purity, holiness and sinlessness was Jesus Himself. Let’s look at these petitions of my heart again, and in a different light and in the light of who God is.

He is worthy of your love

There is no other more worthy of our love than the Lord Himself.

I John 4:19 We love him, because he first loved us.

He thinks the world of you.

We trick our hearts when believing the lies that so easily beset us–the lies that shout our shortcomings and crush our self worth. But to listen to truth; to believe the Lord when He tells us:

Psalm 139:17-18 How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God, how vast is their sum! If I were to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

He wants better for you.

He asked, we eagerly agreed: marry me, be with me, love me, let me love you. Then it is no surprise and is worth the daily reminder that he wants better for us. Here is a good place to remember and to count on who God is in our lives (and a great analogy here with our marriage). HE not only wants better for us, and He will do just that as we delight in HIM.

Psalm 37: 3-4 Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
4Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

He is compassionate. 

And it matters! Look at God’s character. Who doesn’t benefit from His compassion and kindness? Another great model to replicate in our relationships.

Psalm 103:8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.

He plays to win.

As Believers, we’re on the winning team. As wives of men who love God, even when they’re struggling in life, we too are on the winning team. Rest in this truth.

Exodus 14:14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

He likes to think he won. 

True love doesn’t hide sin and refuse to see it or resolve it, but it does cover it. Though it sounds like a conflict, it is not. Remember your deep love when your spouse suffers in sin. As much as possible, let your love cover his/her sin, let it become an earnest prayer of your heart, a quiet conversation between just you two, and be cautioned to never included in words among friends, family or strangers-because you can’t undo that harm. You love him & he loves you way too much to destroy a good name with intimate details of your lives that the Lord wants to work through for your good. Be ever so careful to run first to the Lord, quiet your heart and mouth, forgive and pray.

I Peter 4:8 Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.

Proverbs 17:9 Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.

He loves to enjoy life with his best friends

Such a simple truth so easily dismissed in life’s urgency. Make living this great life together a priority!

John 10:10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

He’s a right fighter when it matters.

May it always be so!

Joshua 24:15 If you think it’s the wrong thing for you to serve the LORD, then choose for yourselves today whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.

He’s a willing learner.

A self-chosen lifetime verse of your husband’s, and the example we should all attain to follow:

Luke 2:52 And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.

He knows the Lord. 

Find a person who knows you husband, and they will tell you he loves the Lord. Praise the Lord for His grace and this evidence in his life. And I pray it will continue to manifest in your lives together.

Matthew 10:32 Everyone who acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.

He loves the Lord. 

You can see his love for the Lord in the choices he makes in your home and lives.

John 14:21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.

He’s big and strong.

Isaiah 40:28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He needs to know you love him, too. 

I John 4:19 We love him, because he first loved us.

He wants to make a difference in life. 

Pray about this-for him, for yourself and for the two of you as one; God put you two together for this reason.

Matthew 6:20-21 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.   21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.…

He loves being only with you.

Proverbs 5:18 Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.

He is counting on forever. 

Mark 10:6-9 But from the beginning of creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH so they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.

This is God’s Why to, “Love your husband.”

…that the word of the Lord not be maligned. Think about that.

/Maligned: speak about (someone) in a spitefully critical manner./

It Hit Me

It hit me all at once, broke me and convicted me, too. Never before in all my years of following the Lord, growing in Him, reading, praying and studying Scripture had I ever thought this before. The stirring in my heart is undeniable-for me and for you, but mostly for Jesus who died to save us. It’s simple.

Love my son…

Love my son because I love him so much. And that’s what the Lord wants from me and from you. Love His SON because He loves Him so much.

This thought changed my marriage

I’ve long said my marriage isn’t about me and him, my husband, but rather it’s about me and HIM, my God. Love my Son because I love Him so much.

I hope this encourages you in so many ways, and I pray it makes a difference in your life as you choose today-with a fresh resolve- to love Jesus.