Part 2
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Click here to read Part I
Hurt Wanes and Anger Rears its Ugly Head
The pain sets in swiftly and with great fury. In the shock of it all, we are stunned and amazed as we try to wrap our heads around what and why this is happening. Our minds can’t think too straight, this person was suppose to love us, after all. How do we fix that which we had no part in creating? What do we do with the relationship now? When will the pain end? Will the pain end? Sometime while we’re trying to wrap our head around what just happened, hurt’s climax begins to wane and anger rears its head.
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Here we could talk about the hundreds of biblical explanations to turn the other cheek, to shower with doing good things, to show grace, as we should at times, because we are all sinners; there’s a rich truth to glean in doing just this in so many circumstances. Love covers a multitude of sin, and what a blessing when we offer forgiveness, love, and grace and a relationship is saved (and even sometimes when it’s not). However, that is altogether different, instead I am talking about the one who has initiated his or her attack, who recoils unrepentantly and continues with hurtful behavior. Proverbs 16:27 tells us a worthless man digs up evil, and his speech is like a scorching fire. A perverse man spreads dissension and gossip divides close friends (brothers). There is still room for love, for grace and forgiveness, but when we look into scripture, there’s even more to realize. How do we honor the Lord in this?
Ongoing contentious behavior calls for direct consequences
Quickly let’s talk about what we don’t do, or we might do but really shouldn’t. Many times our visceral reaction will be birthed out of the pain of anger. Recognize it’s ok to be angry but our reactions need to be pleasing to the Lord (Psalm 4:4). Running a mental list of this persons faults isn’t going to help you, them or the situation at hand, and it’s likely going to sway your attitude and before you know it, it’s your own sin that needs confessing.
2 Cor 10:3-5 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.
While we’re at it, as we rack our brains trying to find a reason for this happening, it’s likely we will start compiling another list. This time we are accounting our own praises. While we may not be to blame for this situation, and it’s a worthy thought process to garner through prayerfully, we also don’t want to think too highly of ourselves. Think on the things that please the Lord. (Phil 4:8) Knowing we did not create the circumstances to this attack doesn’t mean we have permission to become prideful. Pride cometh before the fall (Proverbs 16:18), and this is hard enough already, right? Being fitted for battle is necessary, go ahead and be sure you have the full armor of God in place (Ephesians 6:10-17). It’s even a bit late for equipping yourself in this way; we need to always be prepared for battle, and there’s no way to fight God’s battles without God’s armor. A good litmus test to our own preparation as a soldier of Christ is how we initially respond when the battle roars. So, yes, we need to be prepared for a battle but we do not need to gather an army. By all means, call on your inter-most prayer circle to pray, but don’t go gathering your own soldiers; this is a fight between good and evil, not flesh and blood. (Eph 6:12) It’s the Lord who we need on our team. He’ll put His army together for us.
We know what not to do when tangled in the mess of another’s ongoing contentious conduct:
- Sin in our anger (Psalm 4:4)
- Make a mental list of the other person’s faults (2 Cor 10:5)
- Allow our attitude to give birth to sin (Phil 4:8)
- Puff up our own heart with pride (Proverbs 16:18)
- Build our own army (Eph 6:12)
Expect Trouble
So, what are we going to do with this ongoing contentious conduct from someone? First, expect that life will hold trouble: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (Jn 16:33) It’s sort of simple if this person is approachable. We go to him or her and share our hearts. We, humbly and prayerfully yet confidently, tell them their sin, the wrongful accusations forthcoming as words or actions, is hurting us. Matthew 18, prescribed to church discipline but sound wisdom for many relationships, outlines taking another (godly, trustworthy) person with you and returning if you were not heard alone. I encourage you to try it, if the situation provides the opportunity. However, we know life isn’t so simple most of the time. If they are not willing to see or hear you, don’t lose hope, don’t think you’re alone or worry the Lord has no use or direction for you. He does. Realize, this isn’t a fight between you and against any one person. Scripture tells us we fight against spiritual forces. Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Can you take the person out of the fight? Set your eyes on the Lord and His goodness, sovereignty and love.
God loves us with an everlasting love, but our relationship with Him is not unconditional.
God loves us eternally when we belong to Him, but our relationship, our status so to speak, with Him is conditional. A lot of Christians balk at this truth, but look at scripture. There are many occasions where our relationship with the Lord is conditional to the benefits and promises He offers to us. Conditions to our relationship with the Lord begin with our salvation, not what His grace through the cross secures in us because of what Christ has done, that’s complete with no gaps. But, our relationships here on earth are conditional. : Romans 10:9 That IF thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, AND shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. This, IF we confess, AND IF we believe…the first condition to beginning our personal relationship with our Creator God. John 15 goes on to tell us we must abide in Christ, and He in us, if we are to produce His fruit. And what about His love and our joy? Many Christians haven’t taken note of the verses here in John 15 that precede the well known scripture about loving others as Jesus has loved us (and they miss the specifics on that, too):
John 15:7 – 11 If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, (there’s the conditional) ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples. As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love. If ye keep my commandments, (conditional) ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love. These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
Praise and pain can coexist
How did Christ love us? We all know the LOVE passage out of I Corinthians 13. Wives especially get lectured all too often that we are to love them (our husband, our accuser, our enemy) as Christ and that love is then wrongly equated to a love that has no boundaries. But that’s not Jesus’ love. Sure, we can-should- love our enemies and do good to those who hurt us; no problem with those truths, however let’s look a little deeper into I Corinthians 13 verse six. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. When we meet our reality head on and we know who is intentionally harming us by their words or lifestyle, we don’t love by delighting in their sin against us. Sisters, we don’t have to teeter totter between rejoicing in who our Savior is while trusting what He is doing in and through our struggle and feeling the deep pain it causes us. Praise and pain can coexist. Be encouraged, it’s not only ok to find it hard to rejoice into the face of sinful assault, it’s a loving response! We rejoice not in evil but in truth! Amen? Amen! It would be foolish for us to keep company with the one who is unrepentant and unchanging of his or her ungodly ways.
~Pause to take this in first~
(Here is a good time for me to pause and clarify for married women. If you are not safe, seek help immediately. If your husband is mistreating you, you need BIBLICAL counsel regarding your personal circumstances regarding whether to stay or leave, and how. God hates divorce. Studies show, more often than not, separation rather than Biblical counseling to work through problems together leads to divorce. Yet, there are just too many unknown variables for me to declare from a key board when someone should stay/leave. Please find someone who will counsel you with Biblical wisdom. (And know, whoever you are, and you are many, I have prayed for you at this moment.)
